Further Thoughts on Marriage
(F. T. Wright)
Picture: Marriage is being harnessed together for co-ordinated service so long as life shall last.
In the two previous chapters, it has been stressed that divorce will never come from the Christian, but does this mean that the believer is obliged to live with a cruel, oppressive marriage partner regardless of how he or she is being treated? When the Christian has honestly and sincerely done everything possible to make the marriage work only to be treated with physical violence, immorality, and other indecencies, must he or she remain in such a situation forever? Has God made no escape from such tragic relationships?
If there were no escape from such drastic situations, many would view their future with dismay even though they possessed a noble willingness to suffer for Christ's sake and give a demonstration of infinite and enduring love to the world around them. At the same time, a point will be reached beyond which it will be impossible to continue as even Christ showed when He withdrew forever from a people who had signally demonstrated that they did not desire His presence or His ministry. There does come a time when the Christian, like his Saviour and Example, is left with no option but to separate. It is quite impossible to mark the exact point where the parting of the ways should come, but we do have counsel to the effect that a woman is not obliged to submit herself to perilous domination, but should flee from her persecutor. Sister White wrote to a hopelessly mistreated wife as follows:
"I have received your letter, and in reply to it I would say, I cannot advise you to return to D unless you see decided changes in him. The Lord is not pleased with the ideas he has had in the past of what is due to a wife.... If [he] holds to his former views, the future would be no better for you than the past has been. He does not know how to treat a wife.
"I feel very sad about this matter. I feel indeed sorry for D, but I cannot advise you to go to him against your judgment. I speak to you as candidly as I spoke to him; it would be perilous for you to again place yourself under his dictation. I had hoped that he would change...." The Adventist Home, 343.
At first, it would seem that this advice is in contradiction to the established practice of Jesus in never separating from anyone no matter how sinful he may be. But there is no conflict at all, provided the actions and counsels of Christ are correctly understood. The key lies in the fact that, while Christ never abandons a single soul for whom He died, at the same time He will never force His presence where it is not desired.
Therefore, when the Jews demonstrated how emphatically they hated Him and what He stood for, Christ accepted their will in the matter and permitted them to separate Him from them. Thus, when He was persecuted in one place, He simply left that area and journeyed to another, an action which some would view as Christ's act of separation from those unbelievers. But the real fact is that they, by forcing His departure, had separated Him from them. They had driven Him away, and in courteous respect for their right to accept or reject Him as they chose, Christ walked no more with them in that place. So they, not He, engineered the separation and divorce.
Accordingly, Christ's instruction is: "But when they persecute you in this city, flee to another...." Matthew 10:23.
"The lives of the workers may be endangered by those who are controlled by Satan. It is then their privilege to follow the example of their Master, and go to another place. 'Ye shall not have gone over the cities of Israel,' Christ said, 'till the Son of man be come.' Let the messengers of truth pass on to another field. Here may be a more favorable opportunity for work, and they may successfully sow the seed of truth and reap the harvest. The report of their success will find its way to the place where the work was apparently unsuccessful, and the next messenger of truth who goes there will be more favorably received." Gospel Workers, 410.
"As the light and life of men was rejected by the ecclesiastical authorities in the days of Christ, so it has been rejected in every succeeding generation. Again and again the history of Christ's withdrawal from Judea has been repeated. When the reformers preached the word of God, they had no thought of separating themselves from the established church; but the religious leaders would not tolerate the light, and those that bore it were forced to seek another class, who were longing for the truth. In our day few of the professed followers of the Reformers are actuated by their spirit. Few are listening for the voice of God, and ready to accept truth in whatever guise it may be presented. Often those who follow in the steps of the Reformers are forced to turn away from the churches they love, in order to declare the plain teaching of the word of God. And many times those who are seeking for light are by the same teaching obliged to leave the church of their fathers, that they may render obedience." The Desire of Ages, 232.
Notice carefully that the Reformers had no thought of separating themselves from the churches, nor did such a thought ever develop in their minds. They were "forced to seek another class": "forced to turn away from the churches they love": and were "obliged to leave the church of their fathers."
Let it be emphasized that not the Reformers and those who joined them, but the rejecters of God's truth were the ones who initiated and enforced the separation. So it will always be when true Christian principles are followed, either in accepting the separation forced on one by the church or by an oppressive, unchristian marriage partner.
It cannot really be determined by the Christian concerned just when the point has been reached when no other option is left but to accept separation and eventual divorce. Only the almighty, all-wise Plan-maker can recognize with infallible accuracy when the time has come, and upon Him we must depend to make the required decision. This is confirmed by the fact that God chose the time, the messenger, and the message of the second angel who announced both the spiritual fall of Babylon, and the fact that the believers no longer had a place in her midst. The appropriate course then for each believer was to accept rejection by the fallen churches and leave as directed.
The Christian's responsibility is to make sure that every loving effort has been expended to ensure that the separation, if and when it comes, takes place in spite of the best efforts made to save the relationship and not because of any misbehavior on his or her part. Continual, careful, honest soul-searching is necessary to ensure that a wrong spirit does not creep in. Once you are persuaded that the other person in the marriage has troubled you enough, there is a natural but evil tendency to look with satisfaction and hope on those evidences which indicate further deterioration of the other person's attitude and works. The only desire that should be entertained is that the defecting one will yet come to repentance and unity be restored. If you manifest the spirit of Christ and in all things commit your life to His ordering, then you can absolutely rely on being safely guided through these difficult moves. Not for one moment more than is necessary will the Lord keep you where you have to suffer pain, frustration, and sorrows.
Picture: When marriage is entered into with the realization that it is a permanent commitment, then the developing of mutual interests, and working together in these fields, will contribute much to the bonding of two married people.
Another situation to be considered concerns those who have divorced and remarried before they heard of these principles and accepted them. Their previous partners have also remarried and settled. The natural question that will arise is: Now what should be done? Should they break up their present relationships and return to their former partners or should they respect their present marriages?
I do not believe that there is a blanket edict to cover every circumstance in this field, though we do have specific instruction concerning the situation with a woman who, after being sent away by her first husband, marries again.
"When a man takes a wife and marries her, and it happens that she finds no favour in his eyes because he has found some uncleanness in her, and he writes her a certificate of divorce, puts it in her hand, and sends her out of his house, 
"when she has departed from his house, and goes and becomes another man's wife.
"if the latter husband detests her and writes her a certificate of divorce, puts it in her hand, and sends her out of his house, or if the latter husband dies who took her to be his wife,
"then her former husband who divorced her must not take her back to be his wife after she has been defiled; for that is an abomination before the Lord, and you shall not bring sin on the land which the Lord your God is giving you as an inheritance." Deuteronomy 24:1-4.
Furthermore, while one person who has divorced and remarried might be prepared to break up the present marriage as a matter, not of convenience or desire, but of principle, and remarry the original partner, it would be a rare thing to find that the original partner would be willing to do so, especially if he or she were not converted. Each case would have to be taken before God for His personal directions, but generally speaking, it is best to leave the presently established arrangement stand.
One thing is certain and it is that those who, in the days of their ignorance have not followed Christ's example when they separated from their spouses, should experience a genuine repentance for the course that they followed. They should feel a definite conviction that, if they could go back and relive the past, they would remain faithful to their original partners from whom they would not separate unless forced to depart.
We will now consider the vast difference in attitudes between those who do not understand Christ's example in never leaving anyone who has entered into a covenant relationship with Him, and those who do. The person who enters marriage with the thought that, if it does not work out, a divorce can be arranged and another attempt made, will take on marital responsibilities very lightly. This attitude virtually dooms the relationship to failure as is evidenced by the large number of people who, while subscribing to this philosophy, have contracted marriage after marriage.
But when it is understood that the joining of two lives in wedlock is a commitment never to separate and divorce, then it is realized that the greatest care be taken to ensure that the partner chosen is in fact the one you can live with and love forever, and that the same person can live with and love you with the same enduring faithfulness. If sufficient care is not taken to make certain that the right choice is made, and if you are committed to never separating, then almost inevitably you will marry the wrong person and be in bondage for the rest of your life.
After your decision to accept Christ as your Saviour, the decision to marry is the next single most important step you can take. It is so important that only God can wisely make it for you. The only safety is for each person to faithfully apply the Sabbath rest principles so that God alone is the Plan-maker.
The general principles of operation for the Sabbath rest message are recorded in detail in the book, Entering into God's Sabbath Rest, available from Destiny Press. In brief, the steps as applicable to the choice of a marriage partner are as follows:
Become a truly intelligent believer in the message and establish its principle of operation in all things in your life. Believe that the Lord has planned every detail of your future including whether or not you shall marry, and precisely who is to be the marriage partner. Once the problem is in His capable hands, lay aside all speculation as to who might be your future spouse, dismiss the matter from your mind and move on with the business of efficiently performing the present duties the Lord has assigned you. Then, at exactly the right time and place, the Lord will bring together you and His choice for you. This does not mean that it will necessarily be a perfect match, but it does mean that God will provide the most suitable person available, and that such a marriage will certainly work well provided that both parties understand and live out the marriage principles.
Let consideration now be given to the peril of assuming that, because your partner is a dedicated Christian committed to the principle of never initiating a separation or a divorce, your marriage will not suffer if you feel that you can do as you please with impunity. Even if both of you are dedicated Christians, there could still be times when you will feel pressured not to submit to one situation or another, due to some area of incompatibility, and might be tempted to take advantage of the dedication expressed by your spouse. Do not make so foolish a mistake. Instead, while you are to trust your truly Christian spouse never to initiate a separation, remember that Satan is a relentless foe who watches every moment for an opportunity to destroy the representation of God's character and government in marriage. Christ's counsel to watch and pray is certainly very necessary in this matter.
It is safe to say that, if your spouse is not a Christian, one of the surest ways to lose him or her is to take the relationship for granted, and assume that, once the marriage vows are exchanged, your mate is virtually your prisoner for life, leaving you free to pay little attention to your spouse's feelings. More than once I have seen marriages wherein one of the two looked upon the other as a possession which could never escape or become the property of another. The people who had these ideas were quite indifferent to the needs of the other individual and partnered the spouse only in those activities in which they themselves were interested.
When the predictable separation came; when it was discovered by the hapless spouse that the other one had departed never to return; great was the consternation indeed. It seemed unbelievable to the forsaken one, who, of course, leveled all the blame on the other as the law-breaker, the unfaithful one.
People need to be appreciated, wanted, and loved, including husbands and wives. Let none make the mistake of taking the other person for granted. Even if your mate never leaves you, great will be the loss if you make a less than satisfactory contribution to the marriage.
Picture: People need to be appreciated, loved, and wanted. Keep love alive with simple, unaffected, natural expressions of affection.
"Love cannot long exist without expression. Let not the heart of one connected with you starve for the want of kindness and sympathy.
"Though difficulties, perplexities, and discouragements may arise, let neither husband nor wife harbor the thought that their union is a mistake or a disappointment. Determine to be all that it is possible to be to each other. Continue the early attentions. In every way encourage each other in fighting the battles of life. Study to advance the happiness of each other. Let there be mutual love, mutual forbearance. Then marriage, instead of being the end of love, will be as it were the very beginning of love. The warmth of true friendship, the love that binds heart to heart, is a foretaste of the joys of heaven.
"Around every family there is a sacred circle that should be kept unbroken. Within this circle no other person has a right to come. Let not the husband or the wife permit another to share the confidences that belong solely to themselves.
"Let each give love rather than exact it. Cultivate that which is noblest in yourselves, and be quick to recognize the good qualities in each other. The consciousness of being appreciated is a wonderful stimulus and satisfaction. Sympathy and respect encourage the striving after excellence, and love itself increases as it stimulates to nobler aims." The Ministry of Healing, 360, 361.
Finally in this chapter, the distinction must be made between love with fellowship, and love without it. The vital difference was made plain to me a number of years ago when several folk approached me with a very serious human relations problem. They all worked in the same factory with a number of people who had no respect for the gospel whatsoever. Consequently, they found no common interests, no areas where they could share their experiences, and no material for fruitful conversation. So great was the disparity that friction began to develop which led in turn to animosity and hatred. The situation became more and more tense, and was most unpleasant.
The believers in Jesus were concerned about the presence in them of these feelings and concluded that they were not right with the Lord. Then they heard a presentation of acceptable confession, a printed form of which is available from Destiny Press. They learned that the real problem facing the individual is not what he does but what he is, and that, if we are to be delivered from these problems, we must confess both what we have done and what we are. Then, as we give away the hatred to the Lord, He literally removes the evil thereby creating an empty space, a vacuum, into which He then infuses His infinite love. Once this love has taken the place of our hatred, we respond to the pressure of our enemies with a loving instead of a hateful spirit.
These earnest souls grasped these principles as bread from heaven, and, to their delight, found that when they applied them, all feelings of hatred and anger vanished. They then returned to work expecting to find a bond of love and unity between them and the other workers who made no profession of Christianity. To their dismay, they found that there still was no common ground at all between them, and that fellowship was impossible. Once again they were uncertain and somewhat bewildered. While they could happily report that there had been a change within them and that they could now relate to their former enemies with a loving spirit, they still felt that there was a great gulf between them and their fellow workers. They felt that this should not be.
But it could not be otherwise! It is not possible to have fellowship with those whose conversation is exclusively on worldly things; whose tastes are fleshly and sensual; who entertain no interest whatsoever in heavenly matters; whose choice of music is totally foreign to every Christian principle; and who think only of this life and its transient, sordid pleasures?
Paul understood that there can be no fellowship between this class of people and Christians, for which reason he wrote:
"Do not be unequally yoked together with unbelievers. For what fellowship has righteousness with lawlessness? And what communion has light with darkness?
"And what accord has Christ with Belial? Or what part has a believer with an unbeliever?
"And what agreement has the temple of God with idols? For you are the temple of the living God. As God has said: 'I will dwell in them and walk among them. I will be their God, and they shall be My people.'
"Therefore 'Come out from among them and be separate, says the Lord. Do not touch what is unclean, and I will receive you.'
"'I will be a Father to you, and you shall be My sons and daughters, says the Lord Almighty.'" 2 Corinthians 6:14-18.
When those believers went back to work after being cleansed of their hatred, there was no more basis for fellowship than before they received the purifying ministry of Christ. In fact, there was less. They, having achieved an even higher plane of Christian living, would have been that much more separated from the children of darkness with whom they worked.
But this did not mean that they did not love them. Love was certainly there but it was without fellowship. Consequently, the divine love flowing from the believers in Jesus found no bond, no answering chord, no positive feedback, and no kindred spirit. This is the most difficult relationship to endure. Love with fellowship between those of like faith, belief, principles, interests, and objectives is very beautiful and satisfying. It is the experience that makes heaven so desirable. It is that to which God will bring every one of His children and into which He will immerse them once sin has been obliterated and His everlasting kingdom established.
Just as certainly as the Lord knows by experience the pain of a broken marriage, so too He understands the sadness and frustration of love without fellowship. Little do we understand of the intensity and infinitude of God's love. The Scriptures declare that "... God is love...." 1 John 4:16.
They also affirm that the Lord never changes, not even by a shadow of turning. See James 1:17.
If these truths are taken at face value as they must be, then it must be concluded that God's love is unalterable. It means that, no matter what we do to Him or against Him, His love for us is still the same. Consider this in respect to Lucifer who became Satan, the devil, and who has done more harm to God's kingdom than any other being who has ever existed.
Before the first shadows began to form in his mind while he was still a magnificent example of God's perfect creative work, the eternal Father loved him with immeasurable intensity. When those dark doubts and then evil surmisings formed within the covering cherub, and when he campaigned throughout heaven with the objective of destroying Jesus and reorganizing the kingdom, God's love for him was unaffected in the least, but the fellowship was gone. They walked farther and farther apart as the devil's course diverged more and more from the pathway of righteousness and truth.
Then the wicked one departed from heaven and the evil effects of his administration began to be apparent in terrible sufferings, diseases, tortures, and so on. The Lord hated the iniquity. He felt pain beyond measure as He witnessed the progress of this cancer, but His love for the devil was just as strong, just as true, just as faithful as it had ever been. Even when Satan tortured, defamed, and persecuted God's precious, only-begotten Son to death, there was no change in His love for the fallen angel.
Some may question how God could love the devil, but the problem disappears when the nature of that love is understood. Human love usually loves as long as love is returned, but dies out to be replaced with hatred when the other person does not respond in like manner. But God loves regardless of any return. So He loves Satan today as much as He ever did. It is because God loves His worst enemy that He can call upon us to love our enemies too.
"You have heard that it was said, 'You shall love your neighbour and hate your enemy.'
"But I say to you, love your enemies, bless those who curse you, do good to those who hate you, and pray for those who spitefully use you and persecute you,
"that you may be sons of your Father in heaven; for He makes His sun rise on the evil and on the good, and sends rain on the just and on the unjust.
"For if you love those who love you, what reward have you? Do not even the tax collectors do the same?
Picture: If we love only those who love us, we are not Christians, but are no better than the godless. Like Himself, God's children love even their worst enemies.
"And if you greet your brethren only, what do you do more than others? Do not even the tax collectors do so?
"Therefore you shall be perfect, just as your Father in heaven is perfect." Matthew 5:43-48.
Divine love which has its source in the heart of God is the beautiful attribute which the eternal Father desires to implant within each and every believer. Those who are endowed with this incomparable gift will be able to cope very well with a marriage which is breaking down despite their dedicated efforts to save it. Such people will find that they will be able to continue loving without being loved in return, that they will be capable of suffering the frustration and heartache of love without fellowship. While we all long for love with fellowship, those who are denied it can rejoice in the knowledge that they are sharing in the sufferings of Christ, and are revealing His character, as they reflect the divine image and fashion their lives after His likeness.
"For to you it has been granted on behalf of Christ, not only to believe in Him, but also to suffer for His sake." Philippians 1:29.
"And of all the gifts that Heaven can bestow upon men, fellowship with Christ in His sufferings is the most weighty trust and the highest honor." The Desire of Ages, 225.
